The · Life · and · Times · of · Lance

Since I have not updated this with interessoving stories of my jeezney as of late, oh my brothers, (and for that you have my most sincere appy polly logies) I messel I would indulge you, my little Internet droogies, in a bit of info as to what I have myself been getting up to.

As, though, the narration of some of these tales may offend certain vecks who might stumble onto it, I messelled that it would be real horrorshow to govoreet in like nadsat-talk, so that they would either find it horrorshow amusing or not pony it in the malenky.

Nachinat, the eve of my New Years was not all that horrorshow at all. In fact, it was quite cal, filled with all sorts of unsavoury veschshes that befell Your Humble Narrator. The nochy began when my dear old em drove myself a most appreciated droog of mine to a shinnydig at the domo of another malchick we had become acquainted with at the old skolliwol. We had with us a few beers and a bottle of the finest like Russian water, a real horrorshow veschsh to peet when a chelloveck is in need to get a bit pyahnitsa and recoil in the company of his fellow and faithful droogs. When we arrived, the malenky mesto was quite full of vecks I recognised from skolliwoll and other places, some being merzkey pyahnitsa and others showing that they'd had a real horrorshow time with their synthemesc up stairs.

Unfortunately, my aforementioned droogie had a bit too much to peet of our liquor, and began to like salivate over a droogie of ours and perhaps best droog of mine, a young devotchka who has long been part of our motley ensemble. This being the Eve of the Newest Year and all that cal, it shouldn't have bothered Your Humble Narrator as much as it did, except that at that time I had certain messels about this devotchka that went further than the usual droogie thoughts, and while I knew perfectly horrorshow in my guilliver that nothing except company and friendship would occur between us, I too had consy umed a malenky bit too much of the liquor.

Soon, however, veshches went from bad to that other shop, as the malchick droog of mine gave up on his fillying and spatchkaed, only to awaken and sick up his pishcha from earlier. And, oh my brothers, only Your Humble was loyal enough and having a bad enough time already to take charge of this most unfortunate veschsh that was happening, having to hold a bowl under my droog and to cheest all the vomit from his platties. Meanwhile, the devotchka I had mentioned before had moved on to filly about with another chellovick, another sort of droog of mine, and while this quite surprised Your Humble Narrator, I found plenty of other veshches to focus my mozg on, or rather they found me.

For soon after I was embroiled in another saga of woe ond cal with another good droog of mine, who, after an attack on the domo by a young gang of like pathetic nadsats who I would've very much liked to give a horroshow tolchoking to, lent his phone to a veck by the name of Ratty who was not quite so starry as us so that he could telly phone the millicents. Being as he was under the legal age of drinking, this seemed to me like a strange sort of move for Ratty to make, but this was not nearly so foolish as to not take horrorshow care of my droogie's phone, accidentally tolchoking it so that it was broken. My droog took exception to this being horrorshow pyahnitsa, and nachinat to go real bezoomny, creeching about how he was going to tolchock poor Ratty's litso to death and holding in his rooker a bottle he intended to use as a like britva. Being the most faithful droog he had who was still a malenky sober, it was up to Your Humble Narrator to gavoreet some like sense into him, all while keeping an eye to make horrorshow sure my other droog wasn't choking on his own vomit.

The droog who had wanted a real bitva soon decided homeways was the bestways, leaving me in what was a like hell. I had already missed the countdown having been taking care of my inebriated droog and felt all depressed, seeing the devotchka fillying with some other veck. Oh, thank Bog, for James, a faithful droog who comforted Your Humble Narrator somewhat with supportive slovos. This though led to his own devotchka getting all bezoomny that he had like abanonded her and attatched herself to the rook of another chelloveck. I tried my very best to sort this bitva out, taking the chelloveck to the side and explaining that James and the devotchka were a couple and politely warning that he could easily get tolchocked in the rot by my droog if he wasn't horrorshow careful. He thanked me and confessed that it was really another devotchka he fancied a pol with: my aforementioned best droog. This was just about enough for me, and I opted at first to spat in the kitchen (this being the only room in the domo that wasn't full of vecks) and then to walk homeways at 4 in the am all on my oddy knocky (I later discovered that Coll, a droog of mine who had been working, turned up at the mesto in his auto to give any veck who desired it a lift to their domos).

I got myself lost in Heswall, all freezing cold as I had left my jacket with the shivering vomiting chelloveck and on my oddy knocky both inside and out, feeling like betrayed by my so-called droogs who had neglected me, their like brother. Having as I did a malenky bit of cutter in my carman, I called for a autotaxi, getting one at 5 in the beforelunch.

When I awoke the next morning, my dear old em was very unsympathetic to her eldest son and heir, akky using me of taking the synthemesc and gavoreeting about calling the rozzers. This all seemed a bit chepooka to me, oh my brothers, and I tried as long as I could to ignore it, which wasn't very long at all, and as soon as she mentioned me fucking off back to my droogies and calling the malchicks and even the devotchka by name, I creeched at her to "fuck off." My em took exception to this, throwing me out of my own domo which at that point I was only too happy to leave.

Veshches got worse for a while when I had it out with my droogs in the afterlunch and the next day, finding the guttiwuts to accuse the ptitsa of doing the old in-out-in-out, which is what I assumed she had been doing, hearing as I did many smecks and such while I was trying to spat in the kitchen. I can only messel that I was not right in my gulliver at that point, and believe it or kiss my sharries, it was Your Humble Narrator that had to give out all the appy polly logies in the end, getting a few back.

Now, though, it is nearly February, and things are real horrorshow all round. I am back at university (or not as the case may be) and am on horrorshow terms with my em and my droogies. I've even been to the sinny with the devotchka, no longer feeling anything but friendship about her now. It turned out that she did to some degree love the other veck and had for at least as long as I had liked her, and this may have given me some closure on the whole veshch, oh my brothers and friends.

I was cured, all right.

Stole this from Scarbie. Supposedly, if you've seen more than 80 films from this list, you have no life.

Well, it's not like I've never been told that on the Internet before. Let's get down to it...

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(x ) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
() Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 6

(x) The Princess Bride
() Anchorman
() Napoleon Dynamite
() Labyrinth
(x) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
(x) Happy Gilmore
() Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
() The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 10

() Scream
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
() Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
() Scary Movie 4
( ) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 12

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
() Resident Evil 1
() Resident Evil 2
() The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 17

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
() Signs
() Me, Myself and Irene
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
() I, Robot
() Robots

Total so far: 19

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
() Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
() Meet Joe Black
(x) KING KONG

Total so far: 23

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) M*A*S*H
() Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(x ) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
() Halloween
() The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving Christmas
(x) Flubber

Total so far: 25

() Harold & Kumar Get The Munchies
() Super Troopers
(x ) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(x) Hellboy
() Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 27

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
() Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
() Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
(x ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 30

() Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
(x) L.A Confidential
() Lucky Number Slevin
() Ocean's Eleven
(x ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star State of Mind
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
() The Fog
() Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Over The Hedge

Total so far: 37

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 41

( ) BestBet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
() Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 50

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
() X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 60

( ) Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
( ) The Notebook
() K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 60

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 66

( ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x ) Elf
(x) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 68

( ) The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
(x ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard

Total so far: 73

( ) High Tension
() Club Dread
() Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x ) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 Days Later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld

Total so far: 77

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness

Total so far: 80

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
() Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 85

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Total: 94

Well, it was close there for a while, but yes, it is official: this is a shitty, shitty list of films. Where are all the classics? At least Big Trouble In Little China made it on there.

Urgh, the cold mental fog of the hang over...

So, what's happening with me right now? Well, in between falling into other people's relationship issues and writing essays about yet another shower of morons invading Ireland circa Medieval times, I've managed to finish uni for the Christmas holidays, pick up my A Level certificate from Calday, and hence see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. Plus Parry and I finally met up again, which was fucking cool.

And in fact, reacquainting myself with all these old faces just made me realise that, with the exception of Parry's unfortunate absence, I'm almost totally satisfied with my usual group of mates anyway. During the school reunion, I kept on thinking I'd bump into some awesome old mate and we'd chat about the great old times back at Calday, but it never happened. My thought process while moving through the crowd was more like "twat... twat... gobshite... bell-end... twat... Huh, better say hello to him in a minute..." Which is probably unfortunate, because I know a fair few people seemed genuinely pleased to see me, but whatever. 'Tis better to have a small group of close friends etc.

Speaking of good friends, I got my arse handed to me by Lizzi and even Aido on SingStar the other night. I think I must be tone deaf when it comes to personal performance, because my rendition of "Don't Stop Me Now" sounded like greatness incarnate to my ears, yet the PS2 was so offended it nearly shut itself off.

Anyway, I've got to eat sometime today and possibly go Christmas shopping. Wednesday looms, which is when I apparently get to meet Holly's boyfriend Alistar (I'll leave the jokes to Aido). Ha! Somehow... I think not. TTFN.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Magner's Irish Cider
Akira Kurosawa
This Oscar Wilde avatar I stole from Simon
Takeshi Shimura
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Boddingtons
Kurt Angle
Futurama
Watching stuff with Lizzi
Kenta Kobashi
Costa Coffee & Cappuchino
William Butler Yeats
Drinking with Aido
The Playboy of the Western World
William Blake
Giving Lee friendly abuse over MSN
The Marriage of Heaven & Hell
Blue-tinted sunglasses
Bookshops
Neil Young
Deep Purple mrk III
Cheese sandwiches
Cooking with Lizzi
Cashew nut and green pepper risotto
Abyss' Scrapbuster Slam
Prescription drugs + alcohol
Stanley Kubrick
Honesty
Frank rejections
No Good (Start the Dance)

The Departed was excellent, probably the best film I've seen this year. Which isn't saying much, since I only recall visiting the cinema to see V For Vendetta (popcorn flick with unsubtle attempts at political messages), Snakes on a Plane (great fun, but hardly artistically fulfilling), A Scanner Darkly (pure dragging shit) and Casino Royale; but nevertheless, The Departed is the best Scorsese film since Goodfellas. Acting wise, Scarbie was right: great performance by Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon's best, and a decent stab by Leonardo Di Caprio. Very well directed, good characterisation, and an ending that defined the tone of the film, which may seem like a backwards way of doing things, but interesting all the same.

What else? I'm really getting into Neil Young this week. I wrote some more shitty poetry last night. Finished End of Heaven over the weekend, which is up on FictionPress (http://www.fictionpress.com/~lkthompson). Oh, and check my MySpace if you haven't already: http://www.myspace.com/thelanceeffect. Waste of time, I know, but isn't that the point?

Went to the premiere of Casino Royale with Matteo, John, Helene and Briscoe on Wednesday, and it was fucking class. Finally, a fulfilling and entertaining Bond film with an excellent actor in the role. I don't want to ruin anything, but this had all the best bits from the book and, in fact, Bond was probably built up as a character even better than his literal counterpart was by Fleming. And the last scene? Brilliant, a real mark-out moment for me.

Right up there with From Russia With Love and On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Brosnan's reign of mediocrity is a distant memory.

Afterwards, we got soe pizza and wedges and went down on West Kirby prom. Highlights included the awful double entendres, Briscoe proving himself to be a wuss and Matteo's car getting egged by a passing car of wankers.

Headed into Liverpool last night to see Kill Hannah play at the Barfly (that's Scouse for "fucking divey shithole on Seal Street"). They weren't too bad at all for a shower of emos, though I preferred the support band. However, I didn't stay in town long, as I'd had a tiring day at uni and had only really gone because Lizzi said she might not know anyone except for John. Still even without the piss-up, it was an experience. Apparently Kill Hannah have a relatively large underground support in America, so shaking hands with the (possibly Bowie-inspired?) lead singer was pretty cool.

Going to see The Departed tonight with Collister and Parry at fucking last. Well, if Collister hasn't taken that joke text I sent him seriously, anyway.

Onwards and upwards.

VictimX_27: Hi there!
cheesedog: HEYA!
VictimX_27: What u up 2?
cheesedog: Nice English.
cheesedog: Did you learn that on the short bus?
VictimX_27: Get fucked
cheesedog: I'm just joking relax
VictimX_27:
cheesedog: What's your name?
VictimX_27: Whats yours?
cheesedog: I asked you first.
VictimX_27: I asked you second
cheesedog: Did I time just warp to middle school?
VictimX_27: huh
cheesedog: Never mind. My name is Johnny
cheesedog: Johnny Cheesedog
VictimX_27: Thats not your real name
cheesedog: Why isn't that my real name?
VictimX_27: No one has the name Cheesedog as a last name
cheesedog: Well I do. Whats wrong with it?
VictimX_27: Nothin i suppose
VictimX_27: Is that your real pic in that av?
cheesedog: Yes it is
VictimX_27: Very handsome
cheesedog: Thanks
VictimX_27: You kinda look like eminem
cheesedog: Fuck you.
VictimX_27: HEY! I meant that in a good way
VictimX_27: I think eminem is hot!
cheesedog: Oh. You think I'm hot?
VictimX_27: Yeah
cheesedog: What do you look like?
cheesedog: Do you have a pic?
VictimX_27: I don't show my picture to anyone
cheesedog: Why not?
VictimX_27: Cause I'm ugly
cheesedog: I won't make fun of you
VictimX_27: Its not that. I just don't like my looks
cheesedog: So you have no self-esteem, huh?
cheesedog: Is that what you're saying?
VictimX_27: I just don't think I'm pretty
cheesedog: Let me be the judge of that.
VictimX_27: Nahhh
cheesedog: Then describe yourself.
VictimX_27: Why do u wanna know what I look like?
cheesedog: Because I think you're nice
cheesedog: I want to picture you in my head while I'm talking to you.
VictimX_27: LMAO!! You don't want 2 picture me. Trust me
cheesedog: Why not?
VictimX_27: I told you. I'm ugly.
cheesedog: Well... I think you're beautiful on the inside.
VictimX_27: You don't even know me
cheesedog: I'm a pretty good judge of character
VictimX_27: Then why do u need 2 see me?
cheesedog: I just wanted to know thats all
cheesedog: If you aren't comfortable with it... thats fine.
VictimX_27: You don't understand
cheesedog: Is it that bad?
VictimX_27: YESSSSS
cheesedog: Ok then. I'm gonna picture you as Weezy from the Jeffersons.
cheesedog: She is the bomb!
cheesedog: She makes me hot just thinking about her!
VictimX_27: Wheezy?
cheesedog: Yep. Weezy.
VictimX_27: Who is that?
cheesedog: George's wife.
VictimX_27: Who is george
cheesedog: George Jefferson. From the Jeffersons.
cheesedog: Are you fucking deaf?
VictimX_27: Who are the Jeffersons?
cheesedog: Oh lord. Here we go
VictimX_27: wut?
cheesedog: You don't know who the Jeffersons are?
VictimX_27: Should I?
cheesedog: Yes.
VictimX_27: Well I don't.
cheesedog: FISH DONT FRY IN THE KITCHEN! BEANS DONT BURN ON THE GREEEELL...
VictimX_27: huhhh?
cheesedog: TOOK A WHOOOOLE LOTTA LU UH VINNNN. JUST TO GET UP THAT HEEEELL
VictimX_27: Wut the hell are you saying?
cheesedog: Hold on a second
cheesedog: Here you go. *PIC*
VictimX_27: Thats her?
cheesedog: Yep
VictimX_27: I don't look anything like that
cheesedog: SHUT UP! You're ruining my fantasy!
VictimX_27: LOL. You're funny.
cheesedog: What's funny?
VictimX_27: u r
cheesedog: I'm glad I entertain you
VictimX_27: me 2
cheesedog: So if you don't look like Weezy, what do you look like?
VictimX_27: u don't give up do u?
cheesedog: Never
VictimX_27: I'm the exact opposite of her
cheesedog:
VictimX_27: I'm very white
cheesedog: Thats cool, my white anti-soul sista'
VictimX_27: LOL
cheesedog: I can dig white chicks too, I guess.
VictimX_27: I'm whiter than most
cheesedog: really?
VictimX_27: I'm an albino
cheesedog: a what?
VictimX_27: u don't know what that is?
cheesedog: I've heard the word before
VictimX_27: I have no pigment in my skin, eyes or hair
VictimX_27: So I'm all white
cheesedog: This is bullshit
VictimX_27: I'm serious!
VictimX_27: You've never seen an albino before?
cheesedog: No. Where do they live? Albinia?
VictimX_27: No, we live all over.
cheesedog: Then how come I've never seen any
VictimX_27: Lucky I suppose
cheesedog: Send me your picture. I wanna know what an albino looks like.
VictimX_27: I'll send you a picture of one but not me
cheesedog: Ok
VictimX_27: Here u go *PIC*
cheesedog: Whoa. Thats freaky
VictimX_27: See why I don't send my picture out?
cheesedog: there's nothing wrong with it.
cheesedog: It doesn't make you ugly
cheesedog: This chick is kind of hot actually.
VictimX_27: Thank u
cheesedog: No problem
cheesedog: Her, not you. I don't know what you look like.
VictimX_27: Are you gonna be on in 3 hours?
cheesedog: Yes
VictimX_27: I have to go to the mall with my sister
VictimX_27: Will you be here when I get back?
cheesedog: S ure. Then I'll sex you up.
VictimX_27: Gee thanks. LOL
cheesedog: I'm serious
VictimX_27: We'll see.
cheesedog: Yes we will.
VictimX_27: Bye for now!
cheesedog: Make sure you wear some sunscreen.
VictimX_27:

About 3 hours later...

VictimX_27: HEY!
cheesedog: Hello there
VictimX_27: I'm back
cheesedog: Have fun at the mall?
VictimX_27: Yeah. I got some new shoes
cheesedog: Interesting
VictimX_27: Not really. Just shoes
cheesedog: You ready to be sexed up now?
VictimX_27: LOL
cheesedog: Is that a yes?
VictimX_27: Could be
VictimX_27:
cheesedog: HOT DAMN!
cheesedog: I gently suck your nipples
cheesedog: I feel them get hard then I jam my hand down your..
VictimX_27: WOAH! Slow down cowboy
cheesedog: Why?
VictimX_27: I'm not just gonna cyber with you if thats all you want
cheesedog: What do you mean?
VictimX_27: You're not going to ignore me later are you?
cheesedog: Of course not.
cheesedog: I like you.
VictimX_27: I don't even know how old you are.
cheesedog: I'm 27. Now....
cheesedog: I gently massage your breasts with my rough hands
cheesedog: I roll your nipples between my fingers
VictimX_27: WAIT!
cheesedog: They get hard again... what?
VictimX_27: Don't you wanna know anything about me first?
VictimX_27: Like what I like?
cheesedog: Oh yeah. Sure. Hurry up.
VictimX_27: That didn't sound convincing.
cheesedog: YES I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!
VictimX_27: Now u r being a smartass
VictimX_27: Just give me a minute
cheesedog: ok
VictimX_27: I'm back
cheesedog: np
VictimX_27: thank you
cheesedog: So what do you like?
VictimX_27: Ummmm being licked
cheesedog: Where?
VictimX_27: Everywhere
cheesedog: Any place in particular?
VictimX_27: uhhh yeah
cheesedog: tell me
VictimX_27: on my clit
cheesedog: OK!
cheesedog: NOW YOU'RE TALKIN!
VictimX_27: I also like being done from behind
cheesedog: Ooooooohhhh.
cheesedog: Ok. Check this out.
cheesedog: We're in an abandoned building.
cheesedog: No is around. Its all quiet.
VictimX_27: Uh huh
cheesedog: I gently unbutton your pants and slide my hand across your clit
cheesedog: You get all warm and juicy.
cheesedog: I slip your panties down and continue to massage your pussy
VictimX_27: oooohh mmmm
cheesedog: I place my mouth on your pussy as I eat you from behind
cheesedog: I wiggle my tounge around across your moist hole
VictimX_27: yessss
cheesedog: I cover your ears with my hands as I eat you.
cheesedog: Egon and Ray sneak in from the back.
cheesedog: *Powering up Proton packs*
VictimX_27:
cheesedog: Then... Egon BLASTS your pasty white ass!!
cheesedog: POW!! BZZZZZTTTTTPHTTTTTT!!!
cheesedog: Winston and Peter set up the containment trap....
VictimX_27: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!!!
cheesedog: You wiggle around in the proton streams buck naked
cheesedog: The streams almost cross! Look out!!
cheesedog: Peter smacks you across the chin with his gun
cheesedog: They open the trap and it sucks your pale ass in!
VictimX_27: This isn't funny johnny!
cheesedog: SHUT UP! YOUR CAUGHT!
cheesedog: **puts you in the containment area**
cheesedog: Slimer is in there too..
VictimX_27: YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
cheesedog: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!
cheesedog: Now...Slimer sticks his green, slimey cock in your pigmentless ass.
cheesedog: **HE SLIMES YOU!**
VictimX_27: Never talk to me again!
cheesedog: He cums all over your hair... but no one notices cause its the same color
VictimX_27: FUCK YOUUUU
cheesedog: He eats a powdered donut!
VictimX_27: SHUT UP AND FUCK YOUUUU!!!!!
cheesedog: o wait! It was your hand, you scary, white whore!
VictimX_27: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
cheesedog: Chill out, Casper. You're trapped, I said.
cheesedog: Slimer goes to lick your clit.
cheesedog: But there is already slime on your it!!
cheesedog: Slimer thinks you are a cheater and gets jealous!!
cheesedog: HE RIPS YOUR WHITE TITS OFF!
VictimX_27: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!
cheesedog: **Plays volleyball with them**
VictimX_27:

Current Location:	Annville, Texas
Current Mood:	laughing my fucking brains out
Current Music:	David Gilmour - On An Island

No university today, because I woke up feeling like shit. Bit of a stomach bug, I'm afraid.

So here I am. It's been a bit of a shit day so far: apart from the illness, I first couldn't for the fucking life of me find my lecturers' emails to tell them that I wouldn't be attending, so if any of you on the Liverpool Uni community happen to know what Ken Willis' or Carmen from the Irish department's addresses are, please let me know and I'll buy you a drink or something.

While looking through my notes, I found that my coursework is in fact IN FOR TOMORROW. So, it looks like I'll be slaving over a hot keyboard for the next fucking few hours.

Fucking university again tomorrow after a near two week absence/holiday. Yep, reading week is over and I've wasted it in the worst possible way, meaning it can now join my liver and my money in that not so exclusive club.

So, what have I been up to? Well, Lizzi came around to mine on Friday and we watched Buckaroo Banzai, which was hilarious. Nothing like seeing bubble wrap being used as scientifically advanced goggles in a B movie. Probably right up there with Big Trouble and Little China and maybe even They Live for me. Then, it was predictably Wetherspoons later that evening, where Lee and I matched each other for gins and then tried a new kind of draught ale, which tasted like warm liquified Turkish Delight. Yum.

A surprisingly enjoyable and not at all weird or depressing exercise, I have found, is to try and think of songs to play at your funeral. So far, the front runners for mine are Leonard Cohen's Famous Blue Raincoat (no relevance, it'll just make everyone cry like bitches) and AC/DC's Highway to Hell (that'll either make people smile and sigh "Ah, Lance" or just leave with a confused face on).

That reminds me, I attended a Catholic mass yesterday to support my sister and her school's thanksgiving service, and man, am I glad I'm not practicing anymore. Stand, sit, kneel, sit, kneel, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, stand, headstand... Can I not just take a seat at the back of the room and play Tetris? I nearly shouted "You're turning me from agnostic to atheist, goddamnit!", but I was getting nose-down looks from those in front of me as it was, probably because I kept whispering stupid jokes to my brother ("Why was the beach wet? Because the seaweed." LOLITY). It was like they sensed I was an evil prescence or something.

All this coming from a guy who wrote and still stands by an essay/rant reminding people that religion is taken seriously and any surprise at this is moronic.

Not sure whether to get tickets for Roger Waters at the MEN. I'll probably regret it if I don't, but I don't know whether I can justify paying £50 to watch a middle-aged prick mime out Dark Side of The Moon, even if he was the leader of my favourite band of all time.

Anyone who doesn't like Daniel Craig is a dirty Communist. By the looks of things he's going to blow that overweight, smarmy old hack Brosnan right out of the water.

The plan is to either book now and wait for the opening day or go to the charity premiere in tuxedos. Time to dust off the old dickie bow and white dinner jacket, methinks.

Liverpool on Saturday night maybe didn't go so well.

The evening began when I received a phonecall from Hargreaves, a.k.a. Humo, a.k.a. The Wolf, regarding what action I planned to take to attain the level of enjoyment most suited to a Saturday night. Not wishing to subject my canine acquaintance to an evening of solitary drinking, I suggested we travel from my abode to J.D. Wetherspoons of West Kirby. After a few games of Pro Evo 5, we did just that, and got steadily drunk with old friends and acquaintances. Actually, "steadily" is a generous choice of lexis: there is nothing "steady" about knocking back straight double whiskeys broken up by the occasional rushed pint and bottle of Magner's Irish Cider.

From there it was onwards to Liverpool, via a train refund, a long bus wait and a taxi journey. The Krazyhouse, our intended destination, was as insanely packed as one would imagine, but nevertheless we braced the crowd and bravely ordered more alcohol in vodka form from the bar on K1 (the first floor, intended for metallers and moshpits). Peculiarly, I was not opposed to a few bottles of Stella Artois either.

We then took full advantage of the dancefloor, throwing ourselves into crowds of sweat and black eyeliner. As The Wolf headbanged shirtless, I explained to a female mosher over the din of Rage Against The Machine that my friend and I were undercover members of a Swedish death metal band and that we were hoping to sample whatever dark euphoric experiences the most South Westernly point of what was once Danegeld could offer us, beginning with clubs such as these. She said she understood but I didn't believe her, and so returned to the sea of humanity that was now moving as some unknown thrashcore track dictated.

More alcohol flowed, and before long I was feeling tired. The faces merged with the smoke, and I was no longer capable of discerning the physical world from whatever my imagination conjured. Overwhelmed with the bottom-feeding majesty of it all, I took the most senisble course of action I could think of, lying down next to the speakers and falling asleep.

I felt sick and deaf when Humo awoke me. He himself had got the best out of his money and continued to dance, leaving me in the care of a long haired goth who had promised to use his cigarette lighter to revive me if I stopped breathing. I left with my feral companion, catching a taxi to his halls. Humo paid, and I crashed out on the floor of his apartment, not caring that I was lying on my own house keys. Sleep took me, and zombification arose me the early the next morning, causing me to take refuge on the floor of a stunningly clean toilet cubicle until the sun rose.

A fine tale of truth and consequences. Aside from that, everything's going fairly well. Today was a good day in spite of the unwanted journey, and I have elected to have a night in rather than head back to the uni for Double Vision as Ms Donovan has commanded. Having just bought three classy DVDs, I have more important pursuits to undertake other than another night of expense and braincell-slayery.

Do I go to Liverpool, with a group of people I don't know that well, or West Kirby Wetherspoons, with the usual crew, and play it safe?

It's one of those deep end/shallow end choices. There's more potential for fun in the deep end, but also a higher chance of drowning.

Saw The Outlaw Josey Wales last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. It had a nice blend of the blood-quickening markoutability of a Leone film with the usual level of deapth from an Eastwood-directed film.

Dr Faustus is fucking awesome.

Is there a word or right to say
Even in this old fashioned way?
Go make your move, girl
I'm not coming home

Would things have changed if I could've stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed to the blues.
Day to day with my collar up.

Decision sits so make it quick
A breath inhaled from an air so sick
I cursed the day I had learned
Of the web you spun...
You had your hold till bleeding

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vial to drink I dare
(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue
(Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)

Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)
Or is it lost, give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would...
Then burn in hell young sinner

Hey, Hey! (Ha ha)
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (you had your hold)
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (give up the ghost)
I would've never walked out (Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
So until the sun burns out (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving?)
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in
And you're not coming in

...Designed and directed by his Red Right Hand.

Urgh, I should be starting at least one of the two essays that are in for Thursday, but I can't be arsed. Story of my life.

Went 'Spoons last night laaa. It was pretty sound as usual, Aido and I getting drunk while everyone else tries to maintain some semblance of dignity. I don't rmember much about it to be honest, but somewhere along the line I was chased around a Tesco carpark by Collister's automobile.

Picked up four CDs worth of Beethoven last week for a tenner in HMV. Well worth the effort! And it interestingly has nothing to do with me finally seeing A Clockwork Orange last week (thanks again go to Lizzi): I've vaguely been a fan of classical music for at least a few months, I swear. Watch my intellect inflate itself.

My article was finally put up on OWW, and if you know what that is, you probably know what a sad bastard I can be at times, especially as I spent hours last week writing fiction that was in no way related to my uni course (since you asked, a hardboiled detective story involving love, murder and pro wrestling). At the same time, I think there might be a girl who's interested in me, but I might just play it cool for now. As long as I don't make the mistake of showing her my website or getting on the wrong side of whatever homosexual male friends she might have, we should at least end up as good mates.

So what about this North Korea stuff, eh? Well, I think we'll look like hypocrites if we don't move in soon. The war in Iraq was supposedly based upon a suspiscion that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. We thought he might have WMDs, so the coalition went in and steamrollered over their excuse for an army. Now, Kim Jong-Il is detonating -real- nuclear weapons (you know, not those imaginary ones that Hans Blix didn't find) and bragging about it. Surely them's fightin' words? And yet (and maybe I've missed something here, but) the US and Britain are seemingly doing fuck all.

Why? Well, I'm no expert, but I'd wager that Kim Jong-Il A) never tried to assassinate George H.W. Bush and B) doesn't have control of stacks of delicious oil. I've pinpointed Saddam's two mistakes!

Ah well, back to the daily grind... Ha, no, I kid. Being a student is as much of a FUCKING SIT-OFF as old people say it is. Take that, industrialised West!

I'd say that's fairly apt.

There was a big kick off last night in Wetherspoons. I may give details when I can be bothered, but basically, the odds are about 7-2 against me and Aido, but we were the ones left standing while the shower of dickless bastards slink off into the night. Ha, I love it when that happens: my only regret is they were too yellow to even take a punch. Maybe the combination of prescription drugs and alcohol had made Aido and I too threatening a pair of opponents for even a gang of heads.

Funnily enough, I'm glad I've got around to posting on here again recently. It was beginning to look like "The Rise and Fall of Lance" until about a week ago.

And so my new life begins, with several notable changes. Spot the difference!

Lance two or three weeks ago
- Was 6'3"
- Weighed 15 stone
- Was about to start uni
- Had a girlfriend
- Favourite Leone film was The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
- Favourite drink was Jack Daniels
- Favourite Romero film was Night of The Living Dead (but had never seen Land of The Dead)
- Had never seen The Big Lebowski
- Had a huge collection of puroresu
- Ate meat

Lance of today
- Is 6'3"
- Weighs 14 stone 12 1/2lbs
- Is officially a student
- Is single and not sure whether he's looking
- Favourite Leone film is Once Upon A Time In The West
- Favourite drink is a White Russian
- Favourite Romero film is Night of The Living Dead (and has finally seen Land of The Dead)
- Has seen and loves The Big Lebowski
- Has a small but ever growing collection of puroresu
- Is a vegetarian, surviving on a diet of Ainsley Harriot cuppa soups and self-made spicy bean burgers

I'm in a good place. 

Friday was enjoyable, to say the least. We went to Collister's new bar Ellie's in West Kirby, which is a pretty classy wine bar, all things considered. After a Kronenburg Blanc (which starts off being very enjoyable and turns into cold Lemsip when rushed), it was on to Spoons, where I drank my weight in Jack Daniels, saw old friends such as Tofer and Brennan, and passed out listening to Matteo ramble incoherenetly (or perhaps I wasn't listening) with a bottle of Magner's in my hand. As often happens when I've had a massive amount of alcohol to drink, I had a very slight and barely noticeable hangover the next day. Sometimes it's good to be me.

That, incidentally, will be the last time I'll see certain friends and acquaintances until Christmas. In some was, a curse. In other ways... a massive blessing. Captain Twat, for instance, is gone, and apparently already upset and homesick. Hahahahahaha!

My computer, for reasons too complex for me to go into here, required me to delete my log in. Being a cautious individual when it comes to my life's work and collection of music, I saved my documents to Rich's log in before doing so, and then executed the act. 

EXCEPT THINGS DON'T WORK OUT LIKE THAT LANCE LOL.

For some reason, the documents didn't save on Rich's computer. So everything's gone bye bye. All my writings, all my music, all my pictures of me and my friends, all the log-in passwords I couldn't remember, all the letters I needed to send to the University of Liverpool, all the best MSN convos I saved, all my bookmarks. Basically, all my memories. There aren't even any back-ups on the C Drive. 

Urgh. 

In other news, I'm not going to post to this again until some of my negativity lifts. I don't want to do depressing update after depressing update when everything is conspiring to bite me in the arse at once. I might even wait until I'm over Holly and ready to move on, which hopefully will come sooner rather than later (right now I doubt it, but you can never tell with these things). Sayonara.